Masshole.com Official travel Site
In the unfortunate case that you ever have to depart from the utopian state of Massachusetts, the editahs of
masshole.com do not want you to venture into the great unknown without a little heads up brotha. Big Blue and Lil’ Squeeky, masshole.com
editoahs have been traveling
fah more than we would like, and have compiled a guide to foreign cities such as Dublin, St. Louis, Rome, Paris,
Chicago and other locals outside of 495.
St. Louis is a the epitome of dichotomy. It is at once both a city in ruin and yet city of extraordinary pride and unadulterated niceness. which is all to say of course ...its wicked we-ahd and the people ah totally queah. I have lived here for 18 months and still face this town in total bewilderment everyday. i do not know how these popel function here or for that matter, why any of them are still heah. A true story that best sums up St.. Louis... there is a fast food chain on every connah in this town. literally, every connah. I was exiting such an establishment one day a couple of weeks after the Sox won the series here in The Lou. I was driving my cah across the street to get some gas. i pull in to the gas station and i see some dude in a big hillbilly truck follow me into the station and pull right up next to me. Coming from JP, my first reaction was that either this hammah head wanted to staht something or maybe he just thought i was cute - either way i had my gahd up. so this dude gets out of truck and i staht in with the "whats up brotha? whats yah story?" and he is all (with perfect and alarming mid west diction) "well golly sir, i noticed you are not from here on account of your Massachusetts plates. I'm real glad that if the Cardinals didn't win the series, that Boston did. i am really happy for you and your team. In fact I got something in my car here that you would probably like more than me"
He reached back into his truck and at this point i am convinced i am either going to get shot or asked to pose nude
in front of my mass plates. both equally likely. he comes back from the truck and just as i am about to swing on
him, he hands me a ticket stub from game fo-ah of the 2000-fo-ah world series. he says "this would mean more to you
than to me, so please keep and i hope you enjoy your time in St.. Louis". I just stood there completely shocked that
this dude i don't even know followed me into a gas station to hand me a sacred relic from his own possession. It was
like the Pope had handing me the Holy Grail because he heard I collected shot glasses. True story. somehow, i just don't see that happening in say.. Quincy.
Another true story about St. Louis. It again involves baseball. I was at the Cardnals game in Busch Stadium (which
BTW, is wicked pissa. they won't let you buy a beah of less than 24 ounces) in some really nice seats righ behind
the cardinals dugout. The cardinals were Playing the Diamond Backs and at the time Shea Hillenbrand, who was
recently traded for that Korean nut job B.K. Kim, was playing ferst for the D-backs. So, knowing that Shea took
some shots at Boston on his way out of town and that the guy never had an OBP of more than .295 in Boston, i Stand
up and yell wicked loud "Hey Shea, You were F'ing gahbage in boston!". i figure the home town fans would get on
board with this, as i am really sticking it to the opposing first baseman, who can't be more than 35 feet away.
instead, the whole section i'm sitting in, and a few others nearby, drop dead silent and stare at me as if had
loudly proclaimed myself a duck billed prostitute. They covered their kids eahs and then began yelling encouragement - things like “don’t let the drunken jerk ruin your day” and “our city , no , entire Midwestern region apologizes for the behavior of this clearly drunk East Coast meanie.
to Shea. i don't get it. In Fenway, the only person who ever gets pissed or embarrassed by what i stand up and yell
is my wife. In St. Louis, the whole damn section was harribly offended that I had razzed an opposing player. wicked
some other notes abotu St. Louis should you evah visit
- when someone says St. Louis style pizza is either well know outside St.. Louis or actually in any way appetizing,
punch them in the mouth immediately
- the east side of the river has a ton of strip clubs, where for some reason the female patrons sometimes
outnumber the males. they have also been know to get on stage and take off more than the strippers. I have had a
running debate with some guys out here if these chicks are actually off duty strippers. More research is needed.
- If someone ever tells you to go to "the Hill" for authentic or non-offensive Italian food, tell them you would
rather open a can of spaghetti O's, dump the contents into the crapper and eat the can itself than take their advice.